#91: Never Say "Let Me Know If You Need Anything" To Someone Struggling

What if the biggest predictor of your health at 80 has nothing to do with cholesterol or exercise, and everything to do with how satisfied you are with your relationships at the age of 50?

Real human connection, not chatting in the comments on social media, isn't just nice to have. It's tied to how long and how well we live and I’m sharing the research with you.

A check-in from a friend is the best remedy when you're going through a tough time. And you can be that friend who checks in on others too.

Today, we're talking about the two thoughts that are quietly stopping you from checking in on the people you love and why we hold back. You'll learn three small simple shifts that will make the check-ins feel like care instead of pressure.

I'm also breaking down exactly why "let me know if you need anything" is adding to the load someone is already carrying instead of feeling like comfort and what to do instead.

3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE 

1️⃣ You don’t need a reason to tell someone you care about them.

2️⃣ Someone you care about needs to know someone (AKA You) is thinking of them. 

3️⃣ The "Been thinking about you" text is the beginning of the conversation someone needs.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:23

Well, hello, hello my friend. Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I'm your friend and host, Carlene, and I'm so glad that you are here with me today. Okay, before we get into it, I have to tell you something. Last week, I got a text from one of my friends that I haven't been in touch with for a while. You know, we're both so busy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she didn't say anything deep, But what she did was she sent a picture of the two of us from the last time that we saw each other, and under the picture she wrote, "Been thinking about you and how much fun that was." That's it. That's all she said. And you know what? It made my day. So how many times does someone cross your mind, but you don't send the text? I know, it happens to me all the time. So when's the last time you got a text from someone that you haven't heard from in months, and it just said, "Been thinking about you"? Like, there's no context to it. There's no ask. It's just that, "I've been thinking about you." So what did that feel like? If you're anything like me, it probably felt like, "Wow, someone is thinking about me. I matter." Like someone reached out through all the noise of your life and tapped you on the shoulder just to say, "I remember you're there." And that's what we're talking about today, is being that person for somebody else. And we're also gonna talk about what it costs us when we don't do that And there's another reason that I've been thinking about this. I have noticed how many accounts on, Instagram and Substack, wherever, they are run by women in midlife saying some version of the same thing, "Pull up a chair. Let's be in community. We need each other. We need to know we're not alone." And I love that, I really do. I think it's doing something real for a lot of women. But it also makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, because we'll pour our most personal thoughts out into the world to strangers on the internet before we'll pick up the phone and call the friend who's actually known us for 20 years. And you know what? I think there's room for both. Online community is real community, but there is no post, no comment, or no group of strangers cheering you on from a screen that can do what one friend can do with a simple check-in. You know, the kind that already knows your story. The kind that you don't have to explain yourself to. And I'll be honest, I thought about starting a Substack myself, but I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable being that vulnerable with that large of an audience. So for now, I'm holding off. But what I do have is I have Dream Studio. It's my community of women working toward their dreams. And I have my newsletter where I get to share the more personal side of midlife with you on my terms, in your inbox, where it feels safe for both of us. So if you haven't signed up for my newsletter yet, go head to the link in the show notes or go to coachcarleen.com/newsletter and I'll hop into your inbox every Tuesday. Okay, let's dive in because we are going to talk about the excuses that we tell ourselves, because here's the thing about checking in on someone, we almost never do it because of two thoughts that show up that sound completely reasonable, but they're basically lying to us Thought one is I don't want to intrude. And thought number two is, well, they'll call if they need something. And both of those sound very polite, considerate even, like we're respecting someone's space. But if we're honest, most of the time it's not about respecting their space. It's about avoiding the slightly uncomfortable thing of reaching out without an invitation. Because what if they don't respond? What if it's weird? What if they're fine and I made it a big thing? So you know what we do? We wait. We tell ourselves they'll reach out when they need us, and usually they don't. Not because they don't need it, but because most of us, well, especially women in midlife, we were raised to handle things quietly and to not be a burden. Now, before I get into my own story, I wanna give you a reason to actually act on this instead of just nodding along. So I'm bringing you some research. There's a researcher named Julian Holt-Lunstad, who spent years studying what loneliness does to the body, and her team looked at data on millions of people and found that genuine social connection increases someone's odds of survival by 50%. Not 5%, 50%. And Harvard has been tracking the same group of adults since 1938. Decades of data, and the single biggest predictor of health at the age of 80 wasn't cholesterol or how much you exercise, it was how satisfied people were with their relationships at the age of 50. So when I talk about sending a text that just says, "Been thinking about you," I'm not talking about a nice gesture here. I'm talking about something that actually changes how long and how well we live. Now, I just wanna share with you real quick about a season when I was sick, and how many people said the exact same thing to me. They all said, "Let me know if there's anything I can do. Tell me what you need, and I'll be there for you." And you know what? I never answered that question, not once. And it wasn't because I didn't appreciate it, because holy cow, did I appreciate it. I didn't answer it because I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know what I needed until it showed up. So when a text came in, a phone call, or I got a card in the mail, or a meal showed up for my family, or somebody sent me a book to keep me entertained, Or when a friend showed up just to watch a movie with me, and then someone else left a soft blanket on my porch. You know what? I needed every single one of those things, but I didn't know it until someone else decided for me, and it just kinda landed in my lap And here's what I've come to believe. Don't make it your friend's job to tell you what to do for them. When you're the one who's struggling, you often don't have the bandwidth to hand someone a list of things that you need. And when you're the one who wants to help, an open-ended offer, it can quietly become something that now that person has to manage. And you know what? I've done this to people I care deeply about, too. Oh my gosh, I think about all the times that I've done this, and I wanna go back and I wanna do it over again. You know? Oh, the, "Let me know what you need. If you need something, let me know. I'll be there." We all do it because we don't know what else to say or what else to do. So I was listening to Jefferson Fisher's podcast, and he did an episode about what to say to someone who's grieving. And this advice, it also fits for anyone who is going through a tough season. What he said to do is to remove the phrase, "Let me know if," entirely, because it hands the emotional labor right back to the person who's already carrying too much. Now they have to figure out what they need, and they have to decide to reach back out to you and ask for something. That's a chore. So what do you say instead? Well, Fisher's advice is simple. He says, "Skip the question altogether. Just do the thing. Mow the yard, deliver the food, run the errand." And if you want to send a text, don't ask anything at all. Just say you're thinking of them or you're sending your love or a hug, and add, "No need to respond." Because that last part matters because it takes the reply off their plate, too And here's what I really want you to know, is that you do not need permission to care about someone and let them know that you care about them. You don't need permission to do that. I have, I have another story for you. I wanna tell you about my friend from Pure Bar. When I moved here to Tennessee, she became my f- first friend here, and she's the one who recommended that I see her functional doctor because I was going through some things. And for months, I kept putting it off. I kept telling myself, "Ah, I'm fine. I don't have time. It can wait." But you know what? She didn't let it go, and she wasn't pushy about it. It would just be like in conversation, she'd just work the question back in, you know? "Did you make that appointment yet?" She did it kindly and persistently, and I'd brush it off, and I would tell her, "I, I, I'll get to it," and I meant it every time. And then she'd ask again the next week. She wasn't nagging. She just wasn't forgetting. And you know what? Eventually, I made the appointment. And I have to tell you that that referral, it literally changed the quality of my life, like in a real, tangible, I-can't-believe-I-waited-this-long-to-make-that-appointment kind of a way. And here's what I keep coming back to. If she hadn't kept asking, I don't think I would've gone. I would've kept telling myself I was fine, the way that we all do, until something forced me to do it. So she didn't fix it for me. She just wouldn't let me forget that it mattered, that I mattered And I've thought a lot about why her check-ins felt like care instead of pressure, and I think it comes down to three things. First, she was kind about it. She wasn't urgent about it. There was never a sense that something was wrong right now. She just had a steady interest in it. The second thing was she was persistent, but she wasn't pushy. She asked again and again without making me feel guilty for not doing it the first time. And the third thing is she was specific. She wasn't vague. She didn't just say, "Oh, how are you doing?" in general. She asked about the actual appointment, the actual thing, and that specificity is what made it impossible to brush off the way that you can brush off a general, "You doing okay?" And so here's the thing that I want you to know, is you can be that friend too. Just a text, "Been thinking about you." So think about the person you've been meaning to reach out to, the one you keep saying you'll text when things calm down, the one you assume is fine because they haven't said otherwise. They might be fine, or they might be sitting there right now waiting for someone to notice. And you know what? You don't have to say the perfect thing. You just have to be the one who doesn't wait for the invitation. So send it today. Not to everyone, just to one person, someone specific who's been sitting in the back of your mind. And if this episode made you think, share it with the friend you thought of while you were listening, and they'll know exactly why you sent it. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today, and I am going to be here next week waiting for you the minute that you hit play. Bye for now

Carlene 13:04

oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.