#81: Finding yourself again in midlife: it's not about finding your purpose

Have you ever stood in the middle of the widest open season of your life — and somehow felt more lost than free?

That's where so many of us are in midlife. The kids are grown. The schedule has space. And instead of feeling excited, we're staring at a 12-page menu of possibilities with no idea what to order.

In this episode, I'm sharing the one question that cuts through all of it — and it's not "what's my purpose."

It's simpler than that. And honestly? It works a whole lot better.

I'll walk you through five questions I use with my own clients to uncover your deepest values — because once you know what you value, your dream filter exists. You stop chasing everyone else's version of a good life and start building your own.

3 Key Takeaways from this episode:
1️⃣ You've grown over the past 20 years and that means your values have changed.

2️⃣ Midlife is the time where you can finally sit in the quiet and get to know yourself again.

3️⃣ The overwhelm you feel is a sign that you're ready to start thinking about what you want again

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:22

Hello, my friend. I'm your host, Carlene. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. Just a heads-up, you are gonna wanna take notes on this one today. This is the kinda episode that you're gonna wanna come back to. But first, if you happen to be watching on YouTube, hit Subscribe before we get started so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, follow the show so that new episodes show up in your feed automatically. Okay? Let's get into it. All right. We're going way back. 20 years ago, my girls, they were 9, 7, and 3 years old. I was in the thick of it, motherhood. Full, beautiful, exhausting, chaotic, joyful motherhood. And I didn't necessarily know what I was doing, but I was doing it. I was figuring it out one tear at a time, one hug at a time, one struggle at a time, one bully at a time. I was figuring it out one birthday at a time, and one forgotten lunch, and one emergency room visit that I can't get into right now, and I was also figuring it out one let's tuck them into bed and collapse into bed myself at a time. So you can probably relate to all of that, and you can probably relate to this too, the fact that I didn't have time to think about what I was doing next year or in five years because it was this, still this, always this And here's what I didn't recognize then, was how settling that was, how grounding it was to just know, to not have to figure something else out, the path, it was clear. It was chaotic, yes. Sleep deprived, absolutely, but clear. I was a mom, and that was everything. And I functioned in the love, in the chaos, in the joy, and the bone-deep exhaustion of all of it. 20 years ago, I didn't have to find someone to go on vacation with. They were family vacations. I didn't have to find friends. I had mom friends. We were connected by sippy cups and school schedules, and the unspoken language of, uh, yeah, you get it too. I didn't run to the doctor for myself. I mean, well, I should have, but I didn't, because I didn't have time to notice that my nervous system was completely overloaded. And now, 20 years later, I'm living with that overloaded nervous system. And my girls, they don't need to be tucked in at 9:00 anymore, and I have time to wonder, hmm, what's next? Not what's my purpose, because that can feel really heavy, and I don't do heavy really well when my nervous system is all lit up. You probably know that feeling. The weight of the big question of what's my purpose, that can freeze you before you even start it. So don't ask yourself that question, because I'm not starting there. I'm starting somewhere much simpler, and that is, what can I dream about again? What can I revisit? Is it writing or playing the piano, swimming, reading, you know, actual books, not just scrolling articles at 3:00 a.m. pretending that, oh, that's the same thing. Or what can I do that I've never done before? Like maybe go tobogganing in the Swiss Alps. Okay, let's do that. But here's where it gets tricky, because that menu of possibility, it's like going to the Cheesecake Factory, where the menu is 12 pages long, and you're just sitting there overwhelmed, and the server is waiting, and everyone else seems to know what they want, and yeah, you're still on page four. Or it's like someone who asked you when you were a kid, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" Oh, I hate that question. Ugh, too many options, too much pressure, too many ways to get it wrong. And I feel that stress for myself and for so many of you. Women in midlife standing in the middle of the most wide open season that we've ever had, and somehow feeling more lost than free. So how do we get back to knowing things about ourselves and for ourselves again? Well, here's where I start, and I think it might be a good idea if you start here too, if you wanna give it a shot. So I start with a simple question, and that question is: What do I value? I know, you might be thinking, "Values? That sounds like a corporate retreat exercise." but please just bear with me, because research backs this up in a big way. Personal values act as an inner compass. They provide clarity and direction when we're trying to navigate all of life's uncertainties. And in midlife specifically, when everything familiar is shifting, you know, midlife transitions, they involve shifts in identity, in values, and just our whole life orientation. It's not just a career change. It's an emotional and a psychological realignment. In other words, you're not confused because something is wrong with you. You're in the middle of a natural, very real identity shift, and one of the most grounding things that you can do in the middle of that shift is get clear on what you value now. Because here's the thing, your values don't stay the same your whole life, and they shouldn't. In my 20s, I valued independence, family/friends, hard work, laughter, and money, and those values made total sense for who I was then. I was building, I was proving, I was figuring out how to stand on my own two feet. Now, I value peace, family and friends still, kindness/respect, honesty, health, and rest. Yeah, capital R, Rest. Same person, different season, different values. In midlife, the accolades and the approval, the packed schedule that once fueled us can start to feel like noise- And in its place, we crave more space and more stillness, and honestly, some more truth. And that's not a midlife crisis. That's your values evolving because you've grown. And recognizing that, that's your wisdom. And here's why getting clear on them matters so much. You know the saying, "When you don't know what you stand for, you stand for nothing"? Your values are your guideposts. Every decision you make should align with one or more of your values. When it doesn't, that's where you feel the resistance, that out of sync, something is off feeling that you can't really name. And when our external world isn't aligned with our inner world, we experience deep-rooted tension. But here's the thing: that tension is information. It's data. So let me give you an example from my own life. My dream to travel, that aligns with family and friends because that's who I travel with. It also aligns with honesty because there are just some vacations I'm not doing. Anything requiring me to sleep on the ground with no indoor plumbing, and if there's bugs involved, forget it, I'm out. And that's just me being honest, so I have to tell myself first, "No, you're not gonna do that. You're gonna be miserable." So first, be honest with myself about it. And then, you know what I have to do? I have to let others in on it, too. So don't invite me on a camping trip. If you really want to go on vacation with me or do a girls trip, I'm not a camper. So when you're standing in front of that 12-page menu of possibilities, wondering what to dream about or where to start or who you even are anymore, values give you a filter. They narrow the menu down. They help you skip to the things that are actually yours. So here are five questions that I use to help me uncover my deepest values, and these are questions that I've used with clients for years, and I want you to actually sit with them. Don't just listen, or maybe just listen this first time and think about it, and then pause and come back to this when you have time and you have some quiet space, and write down your answers to these. Because here's what I know Once you have your values, dreaming your dreams feels a whole lot easier. You stop chasing everyone else's version of a good life, and you start building your own. All righty, are you ready? Okay, question number one is when do you feel most like yourself? All right, let me be clear here. Not most productive, not most needed, not most impressive to other people. When do you feel most like yourself? Maybe it's when you're in the middle of a creative project, or maybe it's sitting outside with coffee before anyone else is awake. Maybe it's a really good conversation with a friend. Maybe it's moving your body in a way that feels like play instead of punishment. Whatever that is for you, it's pointing directly at a value. So it could be creativity or solitude, connection, freedom, joy, rest. You know, I spend four mornings a week going to barre class. You know what that is? That's my value of health showing up. When you feel most like yourself, you're usually living inside one of your core values. The question is just, can you name it? So take a minute. What's the moment or the activity that makes you exhale and think, "Yes, this is me"? Write it down, and then ask yourself, what value is underneath that? All right. Question number two is what makes you genuinely angry or deeply sad? I know, this sounds so negative. We don't always love going here, but this tells us so much about what we value. Our anger and our grief are actually incredible value detectors. We get most upset when something we care about is being violated, when something we believe in is being ignored, or when something that matters to us isn't being honored. So if injustice makes you furious, fairness might be a value. If being dismissed or unheard makes you wanna cry, respect or connection is a value. If watching someone give up on themselves breaks your heart, growth or courage might be at your core Your emotional hotspots, they're a map. They're telling you what you stand for, often more clearly than your best day ever could. So ask yourself, what fills you with a disproportionate amount of emotion? The kind where you're thinking, "Why does this bother me so much?" That's a breadcrumb, so follow it. All right. Question number three is, what would you do if no one was watching, judging, or expecting anything from you? And this one can be uncomfortable because most of us have been operating for other people's approval for a very long time. We make choices based on what looks right, or sounds reasonable, or what other people will understand, or, I love this one, what won't make us seem selfish or like we're too much, or like we're having a crisis. But if you had total permission from yourself, from everyone you love, from the version of you who's worried about what people think, what would you actually do? Would you quit something? Would you start something? Would you go somewhere? Would you say something? Would you wear something? Would you spend your Saturdays completely differently? The things you'd do in private, Those are the things that feel true to you. Those are the things rooted in your actual values, not the values that you've performed. This isn't about doing something reckless. It's just about getting honest. So what would you do? Okay. We're moving on to question number four. What are you doing when time disappears? This is also known as flow. What are you doing when time disappears? Flow is that state where you're so engaged in something that you look up and two hours have passed, and you're not even tired, you're just completely energized. For me, it's writing and recording this podcast, and honestly, when I'm deep in either of those things, you know, I forget to eat lunch, which, is not good when I get hangry. But for you, it might be gardening, or dancing, or organizing a space, or maybe coaching your kid's team, or maybe it's cooking an elaborate meal for people that you love. Maybe it's diving into some research and you go down a rabbit hole on something that fascinates you. What is that that fascinates you? Whatever it is, it matters, because you don't lose time doing something that conflicts with your values. You lose time doing something that lives inside them. So ask yourself, when was the last time I looked up and was surprised by how much time had passed? What was I doing? And what does that tell me about what I actually care about? Okay, the last question, question number five, and this one, I know this one can sound heavy, but here it is. At the end of your life, what do you want to have been true about you? And this is a big question, but sometimes the biggest questions give us the clearest answers. I'm not talking about your accomplishments, not your resume, not the things that impressed other people. What do you want to have been true about you? I want to have been someone who was honest, really honest with myself and with the people that I've loved. I want to have been someone who made people feel safe. I want to have laughed a lot. I want to have traveled and rested without guilt and said what I actually meant. So what about you? Those things, the ones that surface when you ask that question, those are your values, and they're not selfish, they're not extra. They're the architecture of a life that's actually yours. So that last question, at the end of your life, what do you want to have been true about you? So here's what I want you to do. Take those five questions, sit with them. This is not a homework assignment. This is something that is going to help you. Don't look at it as homework. Look at this as something that you're doing for yourself in a curious, hey, let's see what surfaces kind of way. Write down what comes up. Don't edit yourself, and don't filter for what you think sounds good Then what I want you to do is look at what you've written and start to notice the patterns. Maybe the same words keep showing up, the same themes. That's your list. Those are your values. Those are your personal guideposts. And here's something really cool that you could do in this age of technology, is you could take everything that you've written and put it into your favorite AI tool and ask it what patterns and words keep showing up, what are the themes that AI notices, and what values is AI seeing come out of this for you? I mean, you'll get there faster using AI, but if you don't wanna use AI, you don't have to do that. That's totally fine. Um, but it could be fun to do that. Okay. Now, here's the part that connects it all back to dreaming. Once you know what you value, your dream filter now exists. So you're not starting with the 12-page menu anymore. You're looking at maybe, I don't know, it could be five or six things that actually fit, that actually sound like you, and that's where the dreaming can start. And that's not starting from a place of pressure anymore, and not from the place of, what should I be doing with my life? But from the place of, what do I actually want given what I know to be true about myself? And engaging in values-aligned behaviors, research has found this, it boosts resilience and decreases anxiety, and it enhances your psychological flexibility. So when you wonder why pursuing one thing feels energizing and another feels like dragging yourself through sand, it's often because one is aligned with your values and one isn't. It's as simple as that. Your values are your GPS. They don't tell you exactly where to go, but they tell you which direction is yours. So 20 years ago, I knew exactly what I was doing, even when I had no idea how to actually do it, because my purpose was clear and present and very loud every single day. I was a mom. Now the purpose is, it's a lot quieter. It's more my own, and honestly, it can be a little bit more interesting. I don't need a packed schedule to feel like I'm enough anymore. I don't need the chaos to feel needed. I need peace. I need some honest conversations, and I need rest. And you know what else? I need my people, and I need to keep dreaming, even when the dream is still just a feeling and not yet a plan. And I need to be honest with myself about what I want and what I value and what kind of life is actually mine to live in this season. That's where I'm starting, and that's where I'm inviting you to start too. You don't have to have a big plan. You don't have to have a five-year vision, and there is no pressure for you to figure it all out. Just answer the one simple question: What do I value? And if this episode resonated with you, share it with somebody in your life who's in the in between, a woman who needs to hear this too. And you know what? I want to know. What are your values? Text me or leave me a voicemail at the link in the show notes, and I will see you next week. Bye for now.

Carlene 21:04

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.