#78: Why You Feel Lonely Even When You're Constantly "Talking" to People — And the One Thing That Fixes It

You're texting. You're in the group chat. You're sending the memes and the voice notes and the "thinking of you" messages.

So why do you still feel so lonely?

That's exactly what listener Theresa asked — and honestly, it stopped me cold. Because she's not wrong. We have more ways to reach people than ever before, and yet so many of us feel more disconnected than we ever have.

In this episode, we're talking about the difference between contact and connection — why they are not the same thing, what real presence actually does for your relationships, and the one simple shift that changes everything.

Because you're not doing it wrong. You're just missing something nobody told you about.

3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

1️⃣ Contact keeps you in touch. Connection is what fills you back up — and they require very different things.

2️⃣ The loneliness you feel isn't about how often you reach out — it's about how you're reaching out.

3️⃣ You don't need permission to call someone. You never did.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:23

Hello my friend. Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I'm your host, Carlene, and I am so glad that you're here today because this episode, it came straight from one of you. Um, so back in episode 75, we talked about how women in midlife stuck reaching out. How we kind of pull back and we go quiet. I don't know. Somehow we convince ourselves that everyone else has their friendships all figured out and we feel like we're the only ones eating lunch alone, you know, kind of metaphorically like we would in school, but sometimes literally that is what we're doing. And after that episode aired my text lit up, which honestly is my favorite thing. But one message in particular kind of stopped me in my tracks. So, a listener whose named Theresa, she wrote in and she said something that I haven't really been able to shake. She said that she does reach out. She's like, not the one who's hiding. She texts people, she checks in, she sends the memes and the voice notes and the thinking of you messages, but she does it all by text because she feels like she needs permission to actually call someone. Like she has to send a text first and schedule a window. Hey, can I call you? Make sure it's convenient. Because somewhere along the way, society decided that just picking up the phone and calling someone is, and I love this word she used cringey. Rude even, and. I laughed when I read that because yes, that is so true. And when the heck did this happen? When did calling someone without a heads up become an imposition? If they answer, great. If they don't, then leave a message. That's it. That's the entire system. And somehow we have made it so complicated that we'd rather send 17 texts across three days than just pick up the phone for five or 10 minutes, talk about overcomplicating things. But here's where Theresa's message got really interesting because she said, and these are her exact words. Even though I'm in touch, I don't actually feel close to people. I feel like I'm doing this wrong. Oh my gosh. Oh, Theresa, I want to tell you, if you are listening, you are not doing anything wrong. What you're experiencing is the difference between contact and connection, and they aren't the same thing, not even close. We have more ways to reach people today than ever before. We have texts and dms and voice memos and group chats and all the emojis, and yet so many of us feel lonelier than we ever have, and I think Theresa just named exactly why, because women, especially women. We need a much more intimate touchpoint than a text. No matter how many emojis we send, no matter how clever the GIF is, nothing replaces quality, time and real presence, nothing. And, you know, I, I can relate to this so deeply. I text my friends, we have the group chats. I love a good group chat, but there's something about actually hearing somebody's voice that a text just cannot replicate, especially with my mom, hearing her voice is comforting in a way that I can't fully explain. I know she's okay. When I hear her voice and it's familiar, it's what connects us. It's not the words necessarily, it's just the sound of her voice. And I lost my dad, gosh, it's been four years now. And oh, how I miss his voice. I can still hear it in my head. And I do have a few voicemails saved from him, and you can think that's creepy or not, but those voicemails, just hearing him say my name, it still brings me so much comfort because that's what voice carries presence. Evidence that someone is real and alive in yours, and when they're gone, it's the thing that you reach for. So yes, call your people. Don't wait for permission. And here's something else that I've been thinking about. There's something about proximity, about being in the same physical space that builds relationships in a way nothing else can. And this is hard when everyone seems to live states away from each other. So my oldest daughter, Emily, she lives in Illinois, and every month that she's not here visiting us in Tennessee, I go to her. She's got a one bedroom apartment, and I normally just sleep on her couch. And believe me, I've thought more than once, I should just get a hotel. I'd be more comfortable. I could have my own bathroom, my own space. And then one weekend I did exactly that. My youngest daughter Jessie, came with me to see Emily, and there was no way all three of us were fitting in that apartment. So Jessie and I, we got a hotel room and we all had a great time, the three of us together, and they got some sweet sister time in and even went to a yoga class together. And I, I just loved watching that. But there was this small quiet part of me that missed something. It was those random, unplanned conversations, the ones that just happen because you're in the same space, the ones that start at 9:00 PM and you're thinking, wow, I should really be winding down here. And somehow these conversations turn into the best that you've had in months. And we talk about our dreams and our challenges and our fears, and just things we haven't said out loud to anybody else yet. And we laugh. We laugh until we can't breathe. It is. Wonderful. And every time I leave Illinois after seeing Emily, I feel recharged. I feel more creative, and I just feel more like myself because here's the truth, real relationships are built through quality, time, and presence, and you cannot text your way there. So if you're in midlife, you remember the tangled phone cord, right? You remember jumping up when the phone rang, hoping it was your best friend or a boy you had a crush on, and you would talk for hours. Well, as long as your sister would let you have the phone, that's how long you would talk and you would be laughing and gossiping and solving all the problems of your teenage world. It was the best. And you wanna know what I say? I say we get back to that. We give ourselves permission right now. What if we stopped trying so hard not to be rude or inconvenient and just made the call? I do this with my sister. I call her without warning. I don't even leave a message. She just sees me on her phone and knows that she will call me back when she's got a minute. It's nothing planned. It's nothing scheduled. It's just us, and that's connection. It's so simple. It's so uncomplicated and it's real connection. Now, if you've been feeling stretched, thin, disconnected, or like you're keeping in touch without actually feeling close, I wanna offer you something, especially if you are lucky enough to live near the people that you love. Go to lunch with a friend and set a no distractions rule. Just be there or go for a walk together, cook a meal together, sit on the porch with coffee and know where else to be. Or sign up for a little class or something. Buy some art supplies. Maybe do something creative together where you're both a little bad at it and you can laugh about it.'cause the people who matter most, they don't require any complex, entertaining or elaborate plans. They just need you. To be present and undistracted and actually there. So get intentional with your time and not just any time. Make sure it's nourishing and creative and playful and like, oh my God, we're 15 years old again. Time the kind that leaves you full. Now I know we all have very full lives. We have health and family and business and work and dogs and all the things. And it's so easy to slip into the cycle of the projects and the emails and all the obligations and the never ending to do lists. And then you look up one day and you realize, wait, when did I last actually sit with someone that I love? So when you get to see each other, make account be actually there. Notification silenced, no multitasking. Drink the coffee together, journal. Go to a movie in the afternoon on a Tuesday just because. Go for a hike, cook together. Take that road trip, take a workshop, dance in someone's kitchen, workout together. You name it. The point isn't what you do. The point is that you're doing it together with your full attention, and that's the thing that connects you. So here's what I wanna know from you. Hit the link in the show notes and tell me what's one way you're going to be more present with someone you love this season? Or tell me who are you going to reconnect with? And I want you to know I answer every single text and I genuinely love hearing what's going on for you. And if this episode made you think of someone, I want you to stop right now and call them, see if they answer. If they don't leave a message, something simple, just like, Hey, I was thinking about you. I miss your voice, and I just wanted to catch up. That's it. No agenda. Just you being real. And here's what I want you to know. Hearing your voice is going to put a smile on their face. They will get back to you. And if they don't do it the same day, don't spiral. Don't overthink it. Life is full. Just try again because you know what? We did not need permission to call someone when we were 16. You know, the phone cord wrapped around the doorframe where we were talking for hours. We certainly don't need it. Now we're Gen X. We did not survive the eighties and nineties to start asking for a scheduled window to talk to our best friend. Call your people. They want to hear from you. And I just wanna say thank you so much for being here today. I hope that this is something that you needed to hear and that it leads to you connecting with somebody who you really care about. And I will see you next week. And until then, bye for now.

Carlene 11:42

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.