#74: Why You Feel "Meh": The 4-Step Framework to Finally Fix It

Have you ever made a promise to yourself that you'd do something important… and then avoided it?

The truth is, every time we say something matters and don't act on it, we erode our confidence. Do it long enough and you stop trusting yourself.

What if the reason you can't seem to follow through has nothing to do with discipline, motivation, or willpower — and everything to do with your identity?

In this episode, I'm sharing a 4-step identity alignment framework — originally developed around money mindset and adapted here for women in midlife — that explains why so many of us feel stuck, scattered, and disconnected from our dreams. 

Whether you're rediscovering who you are after years of pouring into everyone else, navigating a major life transition, or simply tired of saying "someday" — this framework is the missing piece.

✨ KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:

• That "meh" disconnected feeling isn't a mood — it's a sign there's a gap between how you live each day and your values
• Your confidence isn't gone, it's overdrawn — and you can start making deposits today
• Change your language from "I want" to "I will" and you move from wishing to choosing who you are becoming
• When you start behaving like the person you're becoming, you will start to see a more confident you in the mirror
• Consistency doesn't mean perfect — it means showing up the day after you didn't

🎧 Grab your coffee, find a quiet corner, and let's get into it.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:22

Hello. Hello my friend. Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I'm your host Carlene, and I am so glad that you are here today because this episode, this one, I have been wanting to record this one for a while, and I'm gonna tell you why I'm. I've been studying a framework that was originally developed to help people completely transform their relationship with money, and I kept going over it and I kept thinking, this isn't just about money, this is about everything. You know, the dream you keep almost starting, or the habit that you've restarted four or five times, or the version of yourself, you can picture so clearly and yet somehow you can't quite step into it. And this framework, it explains all of it. For those of us in midlife, especially women who have spent decades pouring into everyone and everything else, I think it might be the missing piece that we didn't know we were looking for. So go ahead and grab your coffee or your tea or your refresher, whatever your drink of choices, and just find a quiet place because we are going to get into it. Okay, so I wanna start with a question. Have you ever promised yourself that you'd do something that really mattered to you and then you avoided it? I know I do that too. You are not alone, and I'm not talking about things like, no, not the laundry or the dentist appointment. I'm talking about the things that actually matter. You know, maybe it's the hard conversation that you've rehearsed a hundred times in your head, but you've never actually had it with that person. Or maybe it's that creative project that's been living on the back burner for months. Or maybe even years or what about that health habit that you've committed to starting again? Um, you know, on Monday?'cause that's when we start, everything is on Monday, the question is, did you do it? And for so many of us, that answer is no. And here's what I've learned is every time that pattern plays out, there's a cost. When you make a promise to yourself and you don't follow through, there's a cost, and it's not just about your goals, this speaks to your identity and every time you don't follow through, it compounds quietly in the background in a way that most of us don't even notice until we're looking in the mirror, wondering where our confidence went. So when you keep saying something matters and then you don't act on it, your brain notices. It's always watching, it's always keeping score and very quietly it updates the story. It tells about who you are. That story becomes, I never follow through on anything. That's the story and that's where the stuck feeling comes from. That's where you start doubting yourself. And that's why so many of us reach midlife and realize that we've lost something that we can't even name. This framework that I learned, I learned it from Mel Abram. He teaches a concept that he originally developed around money called the aligned identity. And at its core it says this, your results in life will always follow your identity, not your intentions, your identity. So if there's a disconnect between how you see yourself and how you want to live, you will have inconsistent results at best, every single time. And here's the piece that stopped me cold. An aligned identity isn't built from external validation. It, it's not built from other people telling you, oh, you're doing great. It's built internally from who you choose to be and what you consistently show up for. So how do you build confidence? Think of your confidence like a bank account. Every time you do what you said you'd do, you make a deposit into your bank account. You keep the promise to yourself. That's a deposit. You show up for the goal even when you don't feel like it, that's a deposit. You take one small action towards that vision, that's a deposit, but every time you say something is a priority and then walk away from it. That's a withdrawal. And most of us, we are overdrawn. Our accounts are overdrawn and we don't even realize it. So we say health matters, but we skip the habits. We say connection is important. Uh, but yeah, we actually don't talk to anybody for weeks. We just text. Mm. We say we want something more. We want more creativity or more purpose. We want more us. But you know what? We stay quiet and we don't do anything different. We stay small, and we sit here and we wait. We're like, well, someday and over time, that gap between what we say and what we do, it slowly drains our confidence, not because we're incapable. But because we've trained ourselves not to trust ourselves, now here's why this hits differently in midlife. Here's where I want to talk to you specifically, if you are in your forties, fifties, or beyond, because this pattern, it runs deeper than it does for for younger. A lot of us spent our younger years building an identity around our roles as mom or a daughter or an employee, a caretaker, a partner, and we were good at those roles. We showed up, we still do, we deliver and we poured ourselves into them. But somewhere in the middle of all that pouring, we started losing track of the deposits that we were making for ourselves, the dreams that we deferred. The creative pursuits that we shelved, the version of ourselves, that we keep saying, oh, someday, and now you're here, and maybe you're feeling like, who am I outside of all of those roles? What do I actually want? And can I even trust myself to follow through anymore? And here's what I want you to know. This isn't a character flaw. It's the natural result. Of years of withdrawals from your own confidence account without enough deposits going back in. But there's good news. Your account ISN enclosed and you can start making deposits today. Let's talk about what this actually looks like inside my Dream Studio community. Because I think it's important to bring this out of all the theory and bring it into real life for a second, because I have been watching this unfold right in front of me, inside my Dream Studio community. When members joined, I sat down with each of them for a 30 minute coaching session, and from those conversations, I built each of them a 90 day plan. Now I know what you might be thinking, a 90 day plan, that sounds very productivity based, and sure there are goals, there are actions, there are things to do, but that is not what the 90 day plan is actually about. What it's really about is each of these women getting to know themselves again, proving to themselves one small deposit at a time. Yes, I can prioritize me. Yes, I can follow through, and yes, the world does not end when I take up space for myself. Let me tell you about a few of these amazing women, because their stories are this framework in real life, and maybe you will see yourself in one of these. One woman, she's an empty nester. Her kids are grown and gone, and for the first time in years, her mornings are hers, but she hadn't quite figured out what to do with that. Her 90 day plan is about taking those mornings back with intention. It's about her walking, about her finding a workout class where she belongs to something. Again, it's not really about fitness, it's about reclaiming herself. And another woman in my community recognized that she's been feeling fragmented, kinda scattered and disconnected and not quite like herself. And when we dug into it, we found the root cause. Her sleep is not what it needs to be. So her 90 day plan starts there. I know it doesn't sound glamorous. It's not a, a dream vision board. It's just sleep because she's learning that taking care of herself is an identity statement. And then there's another woman who is an A DHD coach. She's brilliant, experienced, she's deeply committed to her work, and she's in the middle of a significant shift. She's not just changing her niche, but she's stepping into a new identity. As an A DHD nutrition coach, everything she's doing right now is recalibrating how she sees herself and the value that she brings. So you see those are three very different women. They have three very different goals, and yet every single step they're taking in their 90 day plan is doing the exact same thing. It's making a deposit into their confidence account. It's closing the gap between who they've been and who they're becoming. And here's what I keep coming back to, truly knowing who you are in this season is everything. It's the foundation. Everything else gets built on, and that's the real work. And that's what I want for you too. So we've been talking about deposits and withdrawals. What does making deposits actually look like? Well, Mel Abram, he outlines what he calls the personal identity cycle, and I've adapted it here for us, for the dreams and the lives that we're building in this season. And there are four steps. You know, this would probably be a really good time if you wanted to take some notes, or make a promise to yourself that you'll come back, um, so that you can capture these four steps for yourselves. And the first step is to define your values. I know that sounds kind of boring. Like, oh, define my values. Oh boy. But what I wanna tell you is yes values. They are your guideposts. They are your North star. And when you are out of alignment with your values, when the way that you are living day to day does not line up with anything that you value, that is where you are feeling disconnected. Now. I want to tell you a story about defining your values because I think this is going to land so well for you. Before my oldest daughter left for college, I was deep in values work with my clients. It was one of the most powerful exercises I'd ever facilitated. And on a whim, I asked her if she'd humor me and do it with me. Now, if you've raised teenage girls, you can probably picture the scene, my daughters always knew when mom was in life coach mode, the eye rolls were many nothing like the life coach mom, right? But she humored me, and as we worked through the framework together, I watched her face go through this whole mix of emotions. She was excited and then scared, and then almost confused. And when we finished, I asked her what the experience had taught her about herself. And this is what she said. You know what? Now I know why. I just feel meh all the time. I'm not living any of my values. Not a single one. Holy cow. As her mom that that hit deep for me and that one sentence, it explained everything, the disconnect she'd been feeling, the low grade restlessness that she couldn't name. It wasn't a personality thing, it wasn't a phase that she was going through. It was a values gap. She wasn't living in alignment with what actually mattered to her, and her whole system knew it. Now, fast forward to when I went to visit her that first semester. I was looking around her dorm room. You know how you just quietly take it all in? And I spotted something on her bulletin board. It was tucked carefully behind something else, almost hidden. It was a tiny piece of paper. The one I'd written her values on. She brought it with her. It wasn't framed. It wasn't displayed. It was just there. It was private and it was close, and it was hers. It was a way to check in with herself and ask, are my choices reflecting what I actually value? Or am I drifting away from it? And I can't tell you what that did to my heart. And here's what I want you to take from that. Your values aren't a self-help exercise. They're a compass. And when you don't know what they are, you can spend years, decades, your entire life feeling that same meh my daughter described. Not depressed. Exactly. Not stuck. Exactly. Just off. Kinda like you're living someone else's life in your own body. So this is the work, no, it's not glamorous, but it's also not complicated. But it just might be the most important question that you answer today. What truly matters to me? Not who I used to be, not what everyone else needs from me, but who do I choose to be right now in this season? Maybe you value freedom, maybe you value creativity, maybe you value deep connection with people. Maybe you value adventure and going on trips of a lifetime. Maybe you value legacy or maybe you value being physically fit. Maybe your value is around family or faith. You don't just get to have one value. You can have several values. And I just wanna share this with you, when I did this exercise in my twenties. Those values I had in my twenties were very different than the values I had in my forties. And the values that I have today are very different from the ones that I had when I was in my forties. So as you grow and change and evolve as a human being, what becomes important to you? It shifts. And it's supposed to. So if you think you know what your values are, because 10 years ago you did a values exercise, I highly encourage you. Go back and do it again and get honest, get specific. Write it on a tiny piece of paper if you have to, because if you don't know what you stand for, you'll keep taking actions that pull you in so many different directions, and then you're gonna wonder why you feel so scattered. All right. Step two of the personal identity is to move from want to will. There's a huge difference between saying I want to take better care of myself and saying, I will walk for 20 minutes three times this week. You hear the difference, wants are passive. Wills, their commitments and every dream requires you to make that shift from wishing to deciding that want is nothing more than a wish. When you say, I will, you are making a decision, a great decision to move forward to make a deposit into that confidence account. Okay? Step three is to reprogram the story. So yeah, this is the mindset work, and this is not optional. The thoughts that we think on repeat, they become the beliefs that we live by. So if the story running in the background is I never follow through or it's too late for me. Or how about this one? Other people can do that, but I'm not that kind of person. Those thoughts are making withdrawals from your confidence account every single day. But you know what? You get to write a new story. Don't listen to that fake one. Write a true one because that true one, it's just been buried underneath All those thoughts that became your beliefs. Okay. Step number four is to take consistent action that matches the identity that you're building. Look at those values, and here's the key word, it's consistent, not perfect, not big, consistent, because if you've been in my world for a while, you know my definition of consistency is showing up the day after you didn't. It doesn't mean that you have to get it perfect. Show up the day after you didn't show up. When you get back from vacation, show up because it's not the grand gestures that build yourself trust. It's the small ones that you show up for again and again. It's the walk that you took on Tuesday, even though you missed Monday. It's the walk that you took Wednesday, even when you didn't feel like it. It's that journal entry that you wrote. It's that boundary you held. It's that creative thing that you did even though no one else saw it. Those are deposits and those add up Okay, so those are the four steps of the personal identity cycle. Step one is to define your values. Step two is to move from want to will. Step three is to reprogram the story. And step four is to take consistent action that matches the identity that you are building. So here's a question that I've been sitting with lately and I wanna offer it up to you. Is what's one action today that proves the person I want to become is real? See that question? It changes everything because now you're not acting outta pressure or guilt, or I should. You're acting out of identity. You're making a deposit into the version of yourself that you're building. So if you want to become an author, well, what's the one action that you can do today that proves that you are the person? That you want to become, you have to start behaving like the person you want to become. Well, that's sit down and write for 20 minutes. That's the action. You do that consistently and the strongest belief that you can have begins to take root, which is I trust myself to follow through. You sit down for 20 minutes and write. You will be telling yourself, I trust myself to follow through. You are rewriting that story right there. And for us, for women who've spent years showing up for everyone else, learning to trust ourselves again, whew. That is probably the most important thing that we can do in the season for ourselves. Okay, I have a little challenge for you. Are you ready? For the next seven days, I want you to make one deposit into your confidence account every day. It doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be impressive. You don't have to post about it, just one small action that you've been avoiding. So if you want better health, take the walk or swap out the soda or make that appointment with your doctor. If you wanna have stronger relationships, uh, go grab a coffee with a friend. Give someone 20 minutes. Of real uninterrupted attention. Or what about if you wanna use all that creative energy you have? Then you know what? Pick up the brush. Write the first line. Play the first notes. Or what if you're building something new? Well then send the email or make the post show up for the thing, whatever it is. Make one deposit every day for seven days. It doesn't have to be grand. And then I want you to watch what happens not to the goal. I want you to pay attention to what happens to you. Pay attention to how you feel when you look in the mirror Every day that you keep doing this. When you look in the mirror, you are going to start seeing yourself differently. And the most important thing is you are going to change the story. What you're telling yourself about who you are is going to change, and that's where the real change lives. That's how we become the person that we've always wanted to be, or the person that we discovered we wanted to be. You have to start behaving like that person that you wanna be. Okay, so go ahead and take that challenge and let me know how it goes. But here's what I really want you to walk away with today. I want to tell you that you are not too late to do this. It's not too late. And yeah, your confidence account might be a little overdrawn, but today it's the day that you get to make your first deposit. Go ahead, go make your first deposit, and then identify one thing this week. One small action that says I'm the kind of person who follows through. Do it and then do it again tomorrow. And if this episode spoke to you, I would love to hear about it. Send me a text at the link in the show notes. I'd love to hear from you and tell me what's one of your deposits this week, and I will be here next week. Ready to welcome you into our next conversation. Until then, bye for now.

Carlene 23:44

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.